Letting Go to Hold On
by SciFiGyrl2010
Summary: Jemma is full of doubts and fear after her time on the other side of the galaxy. Fitz may be able to make things clear. Everyone has an opinion about Fitzsimmons- this is how I think things should go.


"Letting Go to Hold On"

Jemma Simmons had been nothing but a walking bundle of nerves for as long as she could remember. Even before her experiences on Hellworld, she had always been a bit unstable in the feelings department. Jemma wanted things to be orderly, logical, and easily quantifiable, including issues of the heart; naturally this was not the case. Her current situation- one which could not have been anticipated or explained by the most learned men or women in the history of _ever_ \- was crushing her to the point of physical pain. How was she ever to untangle her connection to Will and her link to Fitz? Jemma knew her natural tendency towards putting others first and feeling guilty for causing anyone pain was certainly not helping the situation; however, even being self-aware did not provide her with the answers she desperately needed.

It had been two weeks since the team had successfully rescued Will from the other side of the galaxy. In that time, Jemma had spent as much time as possible fussing over Will as he re-acclimated to Earth, and in contrast, as little time as possible around Fitz. They were cordial, polite, but that was where their interactions stopped. Jemma knew the ice field the two of them were tiptoeing on would not hold forever. She threw her focus into helping Will, hoping to prolong the status quo for as long as she could. Deep in her core, Jemma knew- Will would never replace what she was losing. But that didn't stop her from trying to forestall the inevitable. And so the ice skating continued.

They were in the lab; Coulson had managed to obtain a sample of the gel the ATCU was using to keep Inhumans in stasis and it was all hands on deck as they worked out what to do next. Fitz and Jemma, standing three feet apart, worked silently and efficiently, using as few words as possible and both extremely careful not to have physical contact with the other.

Jemma could not help sneaking furtive glances at her best friend's ( _were they still friends?_ ) face. Apparently, she was not subtle enough. The ice broke.

"Stop it."

The words were startlingly loud in the silence and Jemma jumped, dropping the sample slide she was holding. She opened her mouth to- once again- apologize, something she had been doing for months in nearly every conversation with the young engineer, but he cut her off before she could begin.

"No. Don't tell me you are sorry. I can't handle that anymore. This. You. It ends today."

Jemma stood silently. She was both elated that he was actually talking to her and terrified at what he was going to say. She knew, logically, he must have been going through the same turmoil that she was, but her own confusion had pushed that realization aside until this moment.

Fitz began to pace the lab, his inner struggle evident in his outer actions. "Jemma, I think we…you can't just…maybe I should…" The beginnings of thoughts flew one after another from his lips, each disregarded before fully formed. He stopped, back to her, and rubbed at his neck, the familiar gesture of frustration causing her heart to break just a little more.

"I love you."

The words, whispered so low she barely heard them, took all the air from her lungs. She stared at the back of his head in shock, hand to her mouth, unable to move.

Fitz physically gathered his courage, taking a deep breath before turning to look at her.

"There. I said it. It's past time-well past- that we started bein' honest and talking like adults. I love you, Jemma Simmons. That's the truth of it. I always have and I always will. I want you in every that a man can want a woman. You are the best thing in my life." Fitz stared straight into her eyes as he verbalized everything he had spent years holding inside. "I love you…" his voice faded off and for a moment Jemma thought he was done.

"But I know you love Will."

The moment of silence following the heart-piercing statement hung around them like a heavy, caustic smoke. Neither one took a breath for fear of letting these words settle inside, making them real. But Fitz, already committed to the path, took the next step forward.

"I know you love him so…I can let you go. I can walk away and learn to survive as long as you promise me…" Jemma noticed his eyes begin to take on a glassy sheen as he swallowed before continuing. "Promise me that you are happy and that this is truly what you want. That you will love him and let him love you and care for you. I can only let go if I know your heart is safe and protected. Because that's all I want. You deserve to feel joy, happiness, and safety every day. If you have that with him…I can live with that."

Fitz's strength threatened to fail him as he finished speaking; one solitary tear escaped and trailed down his face. It was this tear that brought Jemma out of her frozen state and caused her to gasp, for she had been holding her breath since Fitz had begun speaking. Her heart was beating so fast she was certain it would explode or simply stop altogether.

She wanted to fling herself into his arms. She wanted to turn around and run. She wanted to slap him. She wanted to…Jemma felt like she was coming apart from the inside. The sheer overwhelming devotion that came with Fitz's words threatened to drown her.

 _*It's time to let go, Jemma_. The little voice in her head quietly- and remarkably calmly- whispered.

Jemma closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as the battle she had been fighting for weeks raged in her mind.

 _Let go?_

 _*You know what you want to do._

 _But I'm scared. So many things could happen. Will happen. What if…?_

 _*You know what you need to do._

And then a crushing wave of memories flooded past her mind's eye. Random childhood moments of happily playing with friends and family. Winning her first science fair. Holiday celebrations. She had a wonderful childhood behind her, a loving family, and the best opportunities life could offer. But then she recalled the day she met Leopold Fitz, and instantly her heart sped back up to the frantic pace of moments before. Fitz sitting by her in class, sharing a brilliant insight. Fitz sitting on her bed in the dorm, waiting with popcorn and DVDs. Fitz squeezing her hand as they got their first glimpse of the BUS, both shaking with nerves. Fitz holding her after her fall from the plane. Fitz giving her the oxygen breather and pushing the button. Fitz screaming in agony at the Monolith on the security tape. Fitz…

And just like that, Jemma's emotional windstorm stopped. She felt a peace in her core that was new and yet she somehow felt it had been there for a long time, only buried beneath her worry over what might be. Suddenly the path ahead of her was clear and she knew exactly what she wanted. She let go of the fear, worry, and doubt that had been her constant companions for far too long. Jemma was free.

She opened her eyes to find Fitz's. He was watching her, unconsciously picking at his pant legs, restless hands unable to still. Nothing in her life had ever looked as wonderful to her as the man standing before her. His eyes, still glazed, gave her a direct look into his heart. She could see fear, sadness, and the ever present adoration he held for her.

"Please don't."

Fitz blinked, baffled both by her response and by the calm he had witnessed wash over her even as she was standing there. He sensed that she had just fought some kind of internal battle and was unsure of the outcome. "Ah…don't what?"

Jemma closed the distance between them and took his hands in hers. As she interlocked their fingers, she spoke with confidence.

"Let me go."


End file.
